Why every breakup comes with joy and sadness at the same time? Have you ever thought about that? As we all know, breakups is hard and one of the saddest and heartbreaking moments that a person can have in his/her entire life. I’m writing this article just a day after my heartbreaking breakup. I’ve never thought the LDR can work at all but he changed my mind and then he changed his mind either.
Me and him, we met at an online app (not a dating app). I asked him a question and he answered. Then we started to spend enormous time on our iPads rather than living the real lives. He was living more than 3000 kilometers away from my country. He was very handsome guy and he was using online sites to built confidence (he had confidence issues just like me). He hardly ever go outside and he spends time mostly at his room. He usually play games and play football. He loves watching tv series and movies. He loves listening music. He is not an open person at all but he shared some special memories and things.
When I met with him, I was trying to sort my life out. I was about to get over a difficult and useless 3 and half years relationship. I explained that I have a boyfriend and he was completely understanding about that and we started to talk about my relationship issues and the issues he had in his life. We were giving advices to each other. One day I talked with my ex who cheated on me and lie (that was the reason) and I only focused on my life and the guy who I met online. He was kind of changed. He was more interested in me, he was trying to spend more time with me. He made lots of jokes to make me happy.
We watched movies, TV series, football matches, YouTube channels, we listened and share music together. Then one day he said he wanted to date with me online. We suited up formally, we snapped, sent pictures, watched movies… He said even he found what he want and he would not use the app that we met. I believed him. I trusted him. We spent 7 months together. All days and nights we spoke nonstop. I felt that, maybe something wrong with that because he started to use the app again (After 3 weeks that he said he wouldn’t use).
Last month, he changed. He was acting different and we were no longer watching anything together. We were speaking only main things, how we are, what we are doing and so on. Inside of my heart, I believed that maybe he was having some trouble times and he did not want to share with me. I asked him that what is wrong with him, and he said that’s just me. I respected him and trying to make him cheer up. I thought I fell in love with him.
He was always say that I am the only person who can laugh him like that and that’s how important in his life. I believed that, too. I don’t know anything about the existing of God. But first time in my entire life, I believed that God send a sign and chance. I got a chance to visit him while he was upset. I thought I could maybe cheer him up. Because all I want to do was making him happy and see his smile. Ah, his smile! I got the tickets and explained that. He did not want me to visit him because he was not feel okay and he said that he did not want me to unhappy too. My heart was seriously broken but I did not say anything to him (I was afraid of to make him more sad).
one time he went out with his friends, he was drunk and he sent snaps and voice messages. when I think those moments I don’t even know if it was real or not.
I have some feelings to him and I explained those to him. He accepted and he said that he likes me a lot like I do. We were just fading slowly and I knew that. We used to talk 24/7 but we have not actually talked or watched anything maybe 2 weeks or more. He used to so into me. He wanted to do things and he was only talking with me. But I stalked him online and I found out there were more women. When I asked him, he said those are his friends and I didn’t believe but I pretended that I believe. All I wanted to just not bother him with emotions and the thoughts that emotions created in my mind.
He finally started to date with more girls online and he just pushed me away. I asked him that what’s wrong and he said that he just talking with more people and we used to in a long distance relationship but he had never believed that it would work. He said that he believed that LDR never works but also he was the one who put it into my mind and heart.
Last night, I said that he should do whatever he want to and I will be here if he ever want to talk but I will not be the one who start to this conversation again. He said that he was sorry.
Why breaking ups are so hard? I just don’t want to see him. I don’t want to watch any movie. I don’t want to watch any TV series that we watched together. I don’t want to use Snapchat, Instagram, or WhatsApp. I don’t want to stalk him to find out he is still talking or snapping or anything. I know I’ve been through this way for so many times. I know, I’ll move on and everything will be fine. But also, I wonder when I find a guy that just understand me or let’s say LOVE me. I do only wonder he will be happy without me or he will ever miss me.
Now, I’ll be fine and I’ll moving on like I always do. But the worst thing is that I’ll move to his country in a couple months for university. I hope I’ll be fine. I’ll hope he’ll be fine and happy. I’m not blaming myself or him and also I don’t know if we talk again or not. I’m sorry if i did something wrong. Maybe I care him too much, maybe I bothered him, maybe he lost his interest, maybe I thought himself more than I thought myself. I don’t know for now. But all I know right now, I’ll just sit, cry, and sort my life out for a brand new story